| MILESTONES |
 OBAMA AT WAR LONGER
THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT
Catching up to Napoleon, Pericles. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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| Europe on Edge as Austria Could |
 Elect a Far Right
Nationalist
If he wins, Norbert Hofer (right) promises
his supporters he'll grow a toothbrush mustache. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS ... |
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Wiccans in Oregon Host Sacred
Ritual for Sanders
Candidate given magical powers to make
Congress fund single payer healthcare, free college for all. |
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 World's Largest
Cruise Ship Launches
Harmony of the Seas has its own 6000-bed hospital
for outbreaks of lysteriosis. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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In Zika Fight, House Authorizes
Fraction of What Obama Asks For
So he can't take credit for stopping
spread of dangerous disease. |
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FDA: New Food Labels to Reflect
More Realistic Serving Sizes
For example, where it says “Serves
12” for pint of Häagen-Dazs, it
will now say “Serves 1.” |
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| REMINDER |
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117 million people would like
you to join their professional network on LinkedIn. |
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CIA “Mistakenly” Destroys
Its “Only” Copy of 500-Page
Senate Torture Report
“Accidentally” runs it through powerful
electromagnetic field, then “unintentionally”
dumps it in industrial shredder, then
“inadvertently” incinerates shreds in
cauldron of molten ore. |
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Polls: Trump, Clinton in Virtual
Dead Heat, With Highly
Unfavorable Ratings
Equal number of voters want to vote against each of them. |
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