THIS WEEK IN IRONY
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Ironic Times

 NO. 485 “Expect the Ironic” DEC 28, 2009 - JAN 3, 2010 

Dec 14
Jan 4
SPECIAL EDITION: THE DECADE IN IRONY, 2000-2009
Bush Win Inspires Average Students
Presidency not out of reach for those with poor grades, police records, money.
Genetically Engineered Chickens
On Steroids Lay a Dozen Eggs
At a Time
“Probably safe for human consumption,” says FDA.
Tobacco Companies Offer Florida Smokers “Free Cigarettes for Life”
Would be in lieu of multi-billion dollar cash settlement.
THREE TENORS TO FLY ON SHUTTLE
Mission will study effects of weightlessness on the ego.
 
  As my second term in office nears an end, I’ve had time to reflect on both the high points and the low points of the past eight years. Certainly, the lowest point of my presidency came when I was impeached and nearly removed from office for having an affair with a young White House intern, Monica Lewinsky. The country was put through a horrible ordeal it should never have had to go through, and for that I am deeply sorry. The high point? That would have to be those exhilarating moments of ecstasy in the small room off the Oval Office with that babe-a-licious Ms. Lewinsky, whose lips and milky white breasts kept me aroused for hours. Let me tell you, it doesn’t get much better than that. However, it’s time to say goodbye to the White House and to all the wonderful people we’ve had the pleasure to meet over the past eight years. Thank you, and God bless.
BOB HOPE ARRIVES IN KABUL
“So many cab drivers, so few cabs,” quips aging comedian.
Russians Claim to Have
Simulated Human Brain

New computer will be used for testing vodka.
Japan Facing Severe Recession
Entire population may be forced to eat raw fish.
Rich Say They Need Bush Tax Cut
Point to high price of diamonds, yachts, caviar.
Bush Says He Welcomes Congressional Oversight
Congressional leaders agree to overlook everything.
Smoking Pot No Longer Illegal in England
But smokers must wear identifying tattoo.
BIN LADEN ESCAPES AFGHANISTAN ON SEGWAY
Said to have bought first one hundred sold.
Administration Presents Case for
Iraq Invasion to Congress

Cites 12% rise last year in sales of luxury SUVs.
Ashcroft Orders Cover-up at Justice Department
“The Spirit of Justice” (rear) must wear pasties.
Survey: Half the World Undernourished
The other half obese.
U.S. Wants to Dump 77,000
Pounds of Nuclear Waste 90
Miles from Las Vegas

Many argue that's not close enough.
Middle Class Losing Health
Insurance

But problem is temporarymiddle class rapidly vanishing.
Nike Unveils $200 Air Jordans
Each shoe can feed the person who made it for a year.
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