 JACK IN EUROPE
MEETS WITH POPE
In Europe on another ten day
"fact-finding" trip,
fast food magnate and presidential
hopeful Jack (r.) meets with Pope
John Paul II (l.) at the Vatican yesterday. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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Overcrowded Indonesian Ferryboat
Makes Safe, Uneventful Voyage
No one even seasick on two-hour
journey. |
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Japanese to Offer Limited Apology
for World War II
"Not the best idea we ever
had" statement strikes middle ground. |
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Haitian Man Wins Local
"Survivor" Contest, No Prize
Given
Unemployed farmer is
winner of Haitian version of popular
American reality game show after he
washes ashore on Florida coast.
All twenty of his competitors starve to
death. Unlike American version of game,
winner gets no prize, is shipped back to
Haiti. |
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Former Coca-Cola Executive Vicente
Fox Takes Over Mexico
Will outlaw
corruption, Pepsi. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Margot Kidder, Robert Downey,
Jr., Anne Heche Found Wandering Dazed and
Confused in Fresno
Disoriented trio held for three hours by authorities, then released. |
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| RELIGION |
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Rev. Moon Presides
Over Mass Divorce
Ten thousand Moonie couples
decide to call it quits. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Tobacco Companies Offer
Florida Smokers "Free Cigarettes for
Life"
Would be in lieu of multi-billion dollar cash
settlement. |
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CIA Admits Transmitting
"Voices" to  Paranoid
Schizophrenics
Agency director apologizes, says
practice will stop. |
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Nanny Express Bill Speeds Through
Congress
Bill to fund nonstop
bus service from nation's poorest
neighborhoods to richest ones, and back. |
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Florida Democrats Trying Out
"Early Bird" Fundraiser
Specials
Only $7,500 a plate before 6 PM. |
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| ELECTION 2000 |
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Democrats, Republicans to Merge,
Will Form New Center Party
New party will not
stand for anything. |
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Coke Spoon Falls
Out of Bush's Jacket
Pocket
"There's a perfectly
good explanation,"
says campaign manager
Leroy "Slim"
Johnson. "It's an
old suit." |
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| LIFESTYLE |
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"Too Many Accidents"
Closes California's Clothing Optional Highway
Twenty mile stretch
between Indio and Palm Springs has been
shut down due to "too many
accidents." |
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Bill Gates’s Kid Using Rare
1910 Honus Wagner Baseball Card in
Bicycle Spokes
Makes "neat sound," says
heir to billions. |
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| FRINGE |
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Napoleon, Jesus, Lincoln Escape
from Shreveport, Louisiana Sanitarium
"They won't get far," claims
Police Chief Ted Tomkins of the three
historical figures. "None of 'em can
drive."
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