| ELECTION 2000 |
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GORE COURTING ETHNIC VOTE
Vice President Al Gore
appeals to
Asian-Americans on
campaign stop in
California. |
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Buchanan, Gall Bladder Removed,
Says He’s Now a Liberal
Lack of bile brings on sudden change. |
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Cheney: I Won't Be Voting
This Year Either
No interest in American politics, candidate explains. |
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PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
DISASTER |
LATEST
DEVELOPMENTS:
- "Wear a mask,
don't ask" signs
being stolen by looters.
- President to fly over
area today in high
altitude spy plane.
- Latest damage
estimate: $2 trillion
- Imminent flooding may
help put out fires.
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| BUSINESS NEWS |
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Latest Figures Show U.S.
Moving From Manufacturing-Based
Economy to
Pornography-Based Economy
Cars, appliances,
electronics: down. Naked
people having sex: up, data
reveals. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
| |
Laotian
Flooding
Some river overflowed in
Laos, putting the country under
water. There were no survivors. |
Aliens
in Latvia
A fleet of space ships landed
in the former Soviet republic,
and have established settlements. |
Madagascar
Missing
Island off the African coast
has not been seen recently. |
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| POLITICS |
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Estate Tax Repealed, Royal Land
Grants Restored
Acting quickly after passing the
Estate Tax repeal, House Republicans
pushed through a bill restoring Royal
land grants, a measure favored by the
monarchist wing of the party. Lord
Fairfax the 18th, speaking from the
family castle in Sussex, England,
expressed satisfaction that the
Shenandoah Valley, granted by King George
II to the third Lord Fairfax in
1727, would now return to the family. The
tract has been owned by various claim
jumpers since the Colonial Uprising of
1775. |
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Study Identifies
"Time for a Change" Most
Effective Campaign Slogan
According to the latest research, which
looked at national and local elections in
the last one hundred and fifty years, the
slogan "Time for a Change" has
proved the most effective message for
both Democrats and Republicans seeking
office. The study noted that no actual
change occurred during the period in the
study. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Argentine Ants Forming Huge Colony
Stretching From San Diego to San
Francisco
Native ants being pushed aside and
slaughtered by aggressive newcomers, who
are establishing own highway system,
schools, malls. |
| |
| SHOW BUSINESS |
|
 Dr. Laura Splashed
With Water, Disappears
While watering his front lawn
yesterday afternoon, New Jersey
homeowner Sal Verone accidentally
splattered a few drops of water
on Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the
controversial talk show maven
whose views on homosexuals have
sparked protests, after which she
let out a bloodcurdling scream
and melted into a puddle on the
sidewalk. It was totally
weird," said Verone,
"she just vanished." |
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| CORRECTION |
|
Last week we reported that Time
Magazine founder and publisher Henry
P. Luce was a secret homosexual lover of
Adolf Hitler. That was incorrect. It
should have read Henry R.
Luce. |
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