| MIAMI
BEACH DIGS OUT AFTER SURPRISE
BLIZZARD |
 |
Schools
closed, beaches deserted. Many heard to
say, "We moved here for this?" |
|
| |
| U. S. NEWS |
 |
U.S. Grants Most Favored Nation
Trade Status to Hell
Satan promises to improve human rights;
vague on specifics. |
|
Blonde Bombshell Goes
Off in Beverly Hills
Destroys lower floor of Neiman Marcus. |
|
Media Facing Severe Content
Shortage Crisis
Lack of seasoned journalists is
"acute," some guy says. |
| |
| SOCIETY |
|
Greatest Generation Raises Most
Spoiled Generation, Who Raise Stupidest
Generation
Saviors of Democracy lack parenting,
grandparenting skills. |
| |
| LAW |
|
Venue Naming Constitutional
Says Nike Supreme Court
Ruling by Kodak 9th Circuit Court
upheld, validates measure passed by
International House of Representatives
and Pancakes, United States Citibank
Senate. |
| |
| CONSUMER ALERT |
|
 Genetically
Altered Taco Shells Recalled
Fears of doomsday chain
reaction that would destroy all life on earth
"overstated." |
|
|
| WORLD NEWS |
|
Oil Crisis Update
Saddam threatens "Mother
of All Price Hikes." |
|
Serbs, Palestinians, North Koreans
Begin "Difficult" Peace
Negotiations
Establishing ground rules could take
months. |
|
European Union Establishes Broken
English as Official Language
"It eez, how you say, so okay to do,"
French President Chirac explains. |
|
Africa Is Large Continent
South of Europe
Encompassing huge land mass, many
countries, lots of wildlife and problems,
Africa is directly underneath Europe,
across from South America, say
experts. |
| |
| ENVIRONMENT |
|
New Super SUV Gets Negative
Miles Per Gallon
GMC Dominator tests out at minus 5
MPG highway, minus 3 city. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Home Run Binge Blamed
On Global Warming
Critics contend it's the other way
around. |
| |
Human Genome
Project Elaborate Hoax,
Perpetrators Reveal
In
a surprise follow-up
announcement, Craig
Venter of Celera Genomics
and Francis Collins of
the Human Genome Project
admitted that the whole
thing was a big hoax,
concocted to find out
what people would
believe, and have some
fun. "There is no
such thing as a
genome," said
Venter, "much less
all the rest of that
bullshit. We were amazed
to see how many people
went for it hook, line
and sinker. It just goes
to show that people will
believe anything." |
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