Ironic Times

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Australian Couple Fly Around World, Arrive Day Before Departure, Lose Senior Discount
Due to unusually favorable winds, Australian travelers Sam and Ellie Blythe landed in Sydney the day before they left, reversing the aging process, an elusive goal for most of human history, but at the cost of their senior citizen discount. The Blythes were celebrating their 65th birthdays with the trip, but were only 64 when they returned.
Olympics May Already Be Over
18½-hour time difference has media guessing.
  Bacon Flambé
Ingredients: bacon.
Cooking time: about five minutes.
Put bacon in frying pan.
When bacon is cooked to desired crispness, light match, toss into pan, stand back.
Pan should explode into flames.
Go look for fire extinguisher. It should be around the kitchen somewhere.
When you’ve found it, pull the tab, or whatever, and douse flames with fire extingusiher.
Remove bacon from pan, pat dry with towels, serve immediately.
This dish goes well with eggs, or a nice salad. Serves 4 or 5.
(If fire still not out, call Fire Department just before serving)
"If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve." — Ted Kaczynski

THE AFTERLIFE by Earl Wilson

No reunion for Abbott and Costello. The comedy duo says now’s not the time.

Mahatma Gandhi is working out with weights. "I’m a hunk," he boasted to Lana Turner, who’s more impressed with old flame Johnny Stompanato. By the way, the BW never looked lovelier.

John Lennon is "bored," says his one-time manager Brian Epstein, who let us know the ex-moptop is "tired of hanging out with a bunch of dead drummers."

Orson Welles says, "I’ve lost two hundred pounds!" How does he do it? "Oxidation."

Don’t think Eddie Arcaro, jockey extraordinaire, isn’t glad to see old pal Walter Matthau, who won (and lost) a fortune on the diminutive horseman.

Dick Nixon’s considering another run for office. That is, "if Jack Kennedy stays out of the race," he adds in good humor.

"Too loud," complains curmudgeonly Charles Darwin of recent arrival Tito Puente. Don’t like to mambo, Chuck?

Vivian Vance is improving. "But I’m still dead," she jokes.

Al Capone turned his ankle roller skating, of all things. Ouch.

That’s Oyl, brother.

©  Copyright 2000 Ironic Times