| PEOPLE |
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 Kim
Jong-un Appears With New Haircut
Barber drawn, quartered, fed to dogs. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Saturday Night Live's 40th Anniversary
Show a Ratings Bonanza
Network orders 41st through 45th
anniversary shows. |
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Report: Networks Speed Up
Shows to Fit in More Commercials
Actors who can talk fast finding more work. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Walmart Gives Many of Its
Workers a Raise
Now they'll be able to shop there. |
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Starbucks Adds Tiramasu
Latte, Caramel Flan Latte,
Coconut Milk Option
Regular coffee dropped from menu. |
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 McDonald's
“Pay With Lovin'” Promotion Ends
After too many people were
super-sizin' their lovin'. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Reason Pot Gives People the
Munchies: Cannabinoids Activate
Pro-Opiomelanocortin Neurons
Pro-opiomelanocortin neurons are
the main ingredient in Cheetos. |
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Cambridge University Scientists Invent
“Anti-Ageing” Chocolate
The more you eat the younger and fatter you get. |
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 Consumer Reports: Ingredient That
Gives Colas Their Dark Color
Causes Cancer
Finding comes as death sentence for
anyone who doesn't drink 7-Up or Sprite. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Scientists Baffled by Huge
Plumes on Mars Recorded
By Amateur Astronomers
Matter complicated by sudden disappearance
of amateur astronomers, baffled scientists. |
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 Hell Freezes Over
Recent arrivals able to walk across
River Styx. |
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