Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 16 - 22, 2005
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FOOD
15-Pounder Makes Debut in Pennsylvania
Heart Association calls giant burger “assisted suicide.”
 
TRAVEL
Travel Industry Association Sounds Alarm on Declining Tourism in U.S.
Image of Americans abroad as arrogant, xenophobic, paranoid bullies may have something to do with it.
 
SPORTS
England: Fans Furious at
U.S. Sports Tycoon's Purchase
Of Manchester United

His first promotion, “Hooligan Half-Price Night,” doesn't win him any friends, either.
 
HIGH TECH
Microsoft Developing One-Stop
PC Tune-Up
Computer users urged to get their PCs tuned up every 3,000 naked celebrities.
Manufacturer Says Heart Not Damaged By Their Stun Guns
Extensive testing on detainees in Uzbekistan proves Taser's model X26c (shown) safe.
FEATURE
Who Said It?
“We have put Joseph Stalin on the cover. We have made Adolf Hitler person of the year.”
A )Editor of Totalitarian Week listing their greatest accomplishments.
B )Publisher of People in Hell on his favorite issues.
C )Time Magazine's John Cloud, explaining why they put Ann Coulter on the cover.
Hint: “We should invade their country, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.”
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Tokyo Establishes Women-Only Subway Cars to Stop Groping
Women who want to be groped can continue to ride other cars.
 
CORRECTION
 
In our Entertainment section we described a recent remake of the classic movie Inherit the Wind, about the famous trial in 1925 pitting a high school teacher who defies religious fanatics trying to force him to teach the biblical story of creation instead of evolution in his science class. In fact, no remake is planned, and the story, about a current conflict in the state of Kansas, is news and should have been identified as such. We regret the error.

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