Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JULY 19 - 25, 2004
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ODDS AND ENDS
  Latest Crop Circle the Work of
Aliens, Say Authorities

Aliens deny responsibility, tell abductees receiving anal probes they were in Montana mutilating cattle.
 
DIETING
Rats Fed Artificial Sweeteners
Ate Three Times as Much
Food as Rats Fed Sugar

In follow-up study, humans fed artificial sweeteners ate three times as many rats.
 
SPORTS
100-Year-Old Breaks Record For 100 Meters
But it's disallowed when his drug test comes back positive.
FEATURE
A government panel has proposed new guidelines for cholesterol that could result in seven million new patients who must take cholesterol-lowering drugs. Six of the nine experts on that panel have received undisclosed payments from:
A )the Association of Independent Research at the Rockefeller Institute in New York.
B )the Confederation of International Academies of Science in the Hague.
C )the Alliance of Intergalactic Medicine in the Zylon-B Nebula.
D )drug companies.
 
EDUCATION
House Considers Slashing
Student Loans

But only for those majoring in Economics, Accounting, Environmental Science, International Relations, or Ethics.

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