Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JULY 19 - 25, 2004
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PEOPLE
Mishap of Historic Proportions at Reenactment Of Hamilton-Burr Duel
Hamilton lives, goes on to establish sprawling government bureaucracy beholden to wealthy industrialists.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Emmy Nominations Announced After Year of Mostly Reality Shows
Actors, directors, writers will be used as seat fillers.
Networks in Heated Battle Over Similar Boxing Shows
NBC says "The Contender" came before Foxís "The Next Great Champ," but thereís also: "Who Wants to Be a Heavyweight Champ" (ABC); "Trading Sparring Partners" (CBS); "Queer Street for the Straight Guy" (BRAVO); "Win Mike Tysonís Money" (Lifetime); and "Celebrity Cut Man" (UPN).
 
ADVERTISING
Slim-Fast Drops Foul-Mouthed Whoopi Goldberg
Replaces her with Dick Cheney.
SCIENCE
Researchers Complete First Dog Genome Sequence
Earn a treat.
New York Times: Collapse of Earth's Magnetic Field Accelerating
Could affect millions of refrigerator magnets, Wooly Willy toys.
 
Construction Nearly Completed On Time Tunnel
When operational, it will provide a portal to the past, or future, depending on what you can afford.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Red Wine Pills Promise Longer Life
They'll be available in three varieties: "moody," "complex," and "fruity with a hint of oak."
 
CORRECTION
Due to a production error, we mistakenly identified this photograph as “first proof that life exists on Saturn,” when in fact it was taken at a recent fashion show where one of the models was attacked by an alien life form, possibly from Saturn. We're sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

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