Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 17 - 23
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FASHION
Eyeball Jewelry Catching On
Spleen studs are next, say experts.
AUTOMOTIVE
Poll: Owners of High-Performance Cars Have More Extra-Marital Sex
But it’s over faster.
War Accounts for 6% of Fatal
Injuries, Auto Accidents 25%

Lower speed limits, more preemptive invasions would bring figures into line, say experts.
 
SPORTS
Fan of Team Attends NBA
Playoff Game

Combining life savings with his children's college fund he's able to amass enough money to pay for a ticket, but has nothing left for popcorn, or a drink.
Philadelphia's New Ballpark Mistakenly Demolished
“Misunderstanding” forces Phillies to cut short game with Mets.
SPECIAL FEATURE
Training U.S. Forces Guarding Iraqi Prisoners Did Not Receive
1.  Do not beat the prisoners.
2.  Do not strip the prisoners and force them to lie on top of each other in a pile.
3.  Do not put leashes around their necks, or force male prisoners to wear women's underwear on their heads, even if it seems like it would be a fun thing to do.
4.  Do not force prisoners to perform sex acts of any kind on each other.
5.  Do not set dogs on the prisoners.
6.  Do not rape the prisoners.
7.  Do not kill the prisoners.

(According to Pentagon officials our forces are now receiving this important training.)
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
  U.S. Drops H-Bomb on Mecca, Kills Millions
Incident “likely” to worsen relations with Muslims, says expert.

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