Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – SEPTEMBER 2 - 8, 2002
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PEOPLE
Britney Spears Presents Award to Michael Jackson
He's named Father of the Year.
Saddam Reportedly "Doesn't
Care" if U.S. Attacks

Too busy writing "mother of all novels."
 
ENTERTAINMENT
"Beverly Hillbillies" to Return
As Reality Series

CBS will move poor, ignorant, rural family into huge mansion where they'll be harassed by hucksters, hooligans, and hilarious con men.
 
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
 
Elvis Presley
Presley rode to rock-and-roll stardom in the 1950's when his hip-swinging, lip-curling antics drove teenagers wild, leading to a successful career in movies as well as Las Vegas, where he currently resides with his six cats.
HEALTH / MEDICNE
Studies: Coffee Causes,
Cures Cancer

Other studies contradict, confirm findings.
 
BUSINESS
Top Executive Discloses All
His Earnings, Pays All His Taxes

Last occurred in 1937.
 
NEW PRODUCTS

Faberge Egg Timer
Nifty timepiece for the cook who has everything, it's accurate to within three-tenths of a second.
Price: $14 million.
 
PUBLISHING
Rolling Stone Undergoes Facelift
Drops coverage of pop culture to concentrate on mineralogy, Newton's Laws of Motion.
 
MILESTONES
Strom Thurmond Celebrates Birthday
Senator, who often jokes that he's "almost as old as the country," turns 223.

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