Ironic Times

NO. 1 "Expect the Ironic" SEPTEMBER 18 - 24, 2000

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Sept 25
JACK IN EUROPE
MEETS WITH POPE
In Europe on another ten day "fact-finding" trip, fast food magnate and presidential hopeful Jack (r.) meets with Pope John Paul II (l.) at the Vatican yesterday.
 
WORLD NEWS
Overcrowded Indonesian Ferryboat Makes Safe, Uneventful Voyage
No one even seasick on two-hour journey.
Japanese to Offer Limited Apology for World War II
"Not the best idea we ever had" statement strikes middle ground.
Haitian Man Wins Local "Survivor" Contest, No Prize Given
Unemployed farmer is winner of Haitian version of popular American reality game show after he washes ashore on Florida coast. All twenty of his competitors starve to death. Unlike American version of game, winner gets no prize, is shipped back to Haiti.
Former Coca-Cola Executive Vicente Fox Takes Over Mexico
Will outlaw corruption, Pepsi.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Margot Kidder, Robert Downey, Jr., Anne Heche Found Wandering Dazed and Confused in Fresno
Disoriented trio held for three hours by authorities, then released.
 
RELIGION
Rev. Moon Presides Over Mass Divorce
Ten thousand Moonie couples decide to call it quits.
U. S. NEWS
Tobacco Companies Offer Florida Smokers "Free Cigarettes for Life"
Would be in lieu of multi-billion dollar cash settlement.
CIA Admits Transmitting "Voices" to Paranoid Schizophrenics
Agency director apologizes, says practice will stop.
Nanny Express Bill Speeds Through Congress
Bill to fund nonstop bus service from nation's poorest neighborhoods to richest ones, and back.
Florida Democrats Trying Out "Early Bird" Fundraiser Specials
Only $7,500 a plate before 6 PM.
 
ELECTION 2000
Democrats, Republicans to Merge, Will Form New Center Party
New party will not stand for anything.
 
  Coke Spoon Falls Out of Bush's Jacket Pocket
"There's a perfectly good explanation," says campaign manager Leroy "Slim" Johnson. "It's an old suit."
 
LIFESTYLE
"Too Many Accidents" Closes California's Clothing Optional Highway
Twenty mile stretch between Indio and Palm Springs has been shut down due to "too many accidents."
Bill Gates’s Kid Using Rare 1910 Honus Wagner Baseball Card in Bicycle Spokes
Makes "neat sound," says heir to billions.
 
FRINGE
Napoleon, Jesus, Lincoln Escape from Shreveport, Louisiana Sanitarium
"They won't get far," claims Police Chief Ted Tomkins of the three historical figures. "None of 'em can drive."
 
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