Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - SEPTEMBER 18 - 24, 2000
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ELECTION 2000
GORE COURTING ETHNIC VOTE
Vice President Al Gore appeals to Asian-Americans on campaign stop in California.
Buchanan, Gall Bladder Removed,
Says He’s Now a Liberal
Lack of bile brings on sudden change.
Cheney: I Won't Be Voting
This Year Either

No interest in American politics, candidate explains.
 
    PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
    DISASTER
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:
  • "Wear a mask, don't ask" signs being stolen by looters.
  • President to fly over area today in high altitude spy plane.
  • Latest damage estimate: $2 trillion
  • Imminent flooding may help put out fires.
 
BUSINESS NEWS
Latest Figures Show U.S. Moving From Manufacturing-Based Economy to Pornography-Based Economy
Cars, appliances, electronics: down. Naked people having sex: up, data reveals.
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
 
Laotian Flooding
Some river overflowed in Laos, putting the country under water. There were no survivors.
Aliens in Latvia
A fleet of space ships landed in the former Soviet republic, and have established settlements.
Madagascar Missing
Island off the African coast has not been seen recently.
POLITICS
Estate Tax Repealed, Royal Land Grants Restored
Acting quickly after passing the Estate Tax repeal, House Republicans pushed through a bill restoring Royal land grants, a measure favored by the monarchist wing of the party. Lord Fairfax the 18th, speaking from the family castle in Sussex, England, expressed satisfaction that the Shenandoah Valley, granted by King George II to the third Lord Fairfax in 1727, would now return to the family. The tract has been owned by various claim jumpers since the Colonial Uprising of 1775.
Study Identifies "Time for a Change" Most Effective Campaign Slogan
According to the latest research, which looked at national and local elections in the last one hundred and fifty years, the slogan "Time for a Change" has proved the most effective message for both Democrats and Republicans seeking office. The study noted that no actual change occurred during the period in the study.
 
ENVIRONMENT
Argentine Ants Forming Huge Colony Stretching From San Diego to San Francisco
Native ants being pushed aside and slaughtered by aggressive newcomers, who are establishing own highway system, schools, malls.
 
SHOW BUSINESS
Dr. Laura Splashed With Water, Disappears
While watering his front lawn yesterday afternoon, New Jersey homeowner Sal Verone accidentally splattered a few drops of water on Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the controversial talk show maven whose views on homosexuals have sparked protests, after which she let out a bloodcurdling scream and melted into a puddle on the sidewalk. It was totally weird," said Verone, "she just vanished."
 
CORRECTION
Last week we reported that Time Magazine founder and publisher Henry P. Luce was a secret homosexual lover of Adolf Hitler. That was incorrect. It should have read Henry R. Luce.

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