Ironic Times

NO. 2 "Expect the Ironic" SEPT. 25 - OCT. 1, 2000

Sept 18
Oct 2
MIAMI BEACH DIGS OUT AFTER SURPRISE BLIZZARD
Schools closed, beaches deserted. Many heard to say, "We moved here for this?"
 
U. S. NEWS
U.S. Grants Most Favored Nation Trade Status to Hell
Satan promises to improve human rights; vague on specifics.
Blonde Bombshell Goes
Off in Beverly Hills

Destroys lower floor of Neiman Marcus.
Media Facing Severe Content Shortage Crisis
Lack of seasoned journalists is "acute," some guy says.
 
SOCIETY
Greatest Generation Raises Most Spoiled Generation, Who Raise Stupidest Generation
Saviors of Democracy lack parenting, grandparenting skills.
 
LAW
Venue Naming Constitutional
Says Nike Supreme Court
Ruling by Kodak 9th Circuit Court upheld, validates measure passed by International House of Representatives and Pancakes, United States Citibank Senate.
 
CONSUMER ALERT
Genetically Altered Taco Shells Recalled
Fears of doomsday chain reaction that would destroy all life on earth "overstated."
WORLD NEWS
Oil Crisis Update
Saddam threatens "Mother of All Price Hikes."
Serbs, Palestinians, North Koreans Begin "Difficult" Peace Negotiations
Establishing ground rules could take months.
European Union Establishes Broken English as Official Language
"It eez, how you say, so okay to do," French President Chirac explains.
Africa Is Large Continent
South of Europe
Encompassing huge land mass, many countries, lots of wildlife and problems, Africa is directly underneath Europe, across from South America, say experts.
 
ENVIRONMENT
New Super SUV Gets Negative
Miles Per Gallon
GMC Dominator tests out at minus 5 MPG highway, minus 3 city.
 
SPORTS
Home Run Binge Blamed
On Global Warming

Critics contend it's the other way around.
 
Human Genome Project Elaborate Hoax, Perpetrators Reveal

In a surprise follow-up announcement, Craig Venter of Celera Genomics and Francis Collins of the Human Genome Project admitted that the whole thing was a big hoax, concocted to find out what people would believe, and have some fun. "There is no such thing as a genome," said Venter, "much less all the rest of that bullshit. We were amazed to see how many people went for it hook, line and sinker. It just goes to show that people will believe anything."
 
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