| PEOPLE |
 |
 Musk, Navarro
Trade Juvenile Insults as Global Markets Plunge
A historian compares it to “handing
over the reins of government to
immature middle schoolers,” to
which Elon Musk replies, “WHAT A
RETARDED DOOFIS!” |
|
|
Trump Planning Large Military
Parade on His Birthday
“With tanks, missiles, goose-stepping
— the works!” he exclaims. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Consumer Sentiment
Sinks to Record Low
“From sullen to morose,” says Moody's. |
|
Report: Some Fund Managers
Fear Trump May Be “Insane”
And not just “Crazy Eddie” insane. |
|
Trade War: China Withholds
Shipments of “Vital”
Computer Chips
U.S. retaliates, withholds shipments of
“delicious” potato chips. |
|
| SCIENCE |
|
 Scientists Map Tiny Fraction of
Mouse's Brain, Requiring 24
Petabytes of Data, Equivalent
to 22 Years of Continuous
HD Video
“They're way smarter than us,” says
one. |
|
| |
| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Trump Signs Order to Boost
Production of “Clean Coal”
Gives tax breaks to companies
like Oxymoron Energy, Canary Coal
Mines. |
| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
RFK Jr Questions Medicaid
Coverage for People Who
Smoke, Eat Doughnuts
Thinks fourteen Diet Cokes per day
“not a problem,” in
answer to a question. |
| |
| CORRECTION |
| |
| Last week we described a cabinet
meeting where “President Kim Jong
Un listened as each of his cabinet
members fawned over him, praising
him effusively and in the most
cringeworthy and obsequious fashion.”
In fact, it was President Trump and
his cabinet, and we we extend
our sincere apologies to Kim
Jong Un for the error. |
|
|
