| PEOPLE |
 |
 Sam Bankman-Fried,
Diddy Share Dormlike Cell in
Brooklyn Prison
A bunk is being readied for Mayor Adams. |
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Trump Tells Supporters He
Won't Run Again if He Loses
“And if you idiots don't fight harder
after breaking into the Capitol,” he adds. |
| |
| MEDIA |
|
Trump Demands NBC “Bring
Back Johnny Carson”
“Might as well dig up Ed McMahon,
too,” an aide mutters. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
 Trump Selling
$100,000 Gold Watch
It harkens back to an earlier time,
as it runs slow. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
 China: 3,600-Year-Old
Cheese Discovered Buried
With Mummies
Connoisseurs of fine cheese describe
it as “aged to perfection.” |
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| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Report: Messages From
Doctors to Patients More
Frequently Written by AI
Patients find them cold and impersonal,
but highly legible. |
|
UK: Health Study Suggests
Reducing Traditional Pint
of Beer to 2/3 of a Pint
Others suggest raising drinking age to 80. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Good News: Study Finds
Cows' Shit Helps Capture
Carbon in Soil
Bad news: their burps, farts fuck up
the atmosphere. |
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