| PEOPLE |
 |
 Report: Pence
Considered Not Showing Up Jan 6
Had premonition of a hanging. |
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| |
| PUBLISHING |
|
Sports Illustrated Accused of
Publishing AI-Written Articles
Models in swimsuit edition also getting second look. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Gallup: Americans Unhappier
at Their Workplace
They miss working at home while
smoking weed, eating chips. |
|
Musk Tells Advertisers
Fleeing X “Go Fuck Youself”
Promises them they'll “never see
their bllboards on Mars.” |
|
 Doritos Unveils
“Doritos Silent” Software
That Masks Sound of Crunching Doritos
Future updates will silence Fritos,
Cheetos, and celery. |
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|
| SCIENCE |
|
 Plane Fueled
Only by Fat, Sugar Crosses Atlantic
Meal on flight also mostly fat, sugar. |
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| |
| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Revealed: President of COP28
Climate Conference Promotes
Oil Drilling
Also promotes cock fights while
serving on board of PETA. |
| |
| MILESTONES |
|
 Henry Kissinger
Dies at 100
Unexpectedly, after strenuous pickle
ball match at Palm Springs swingers
resort. |
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| |
| CORRECTION |
| |
| Last week we mistakenly reported
that the Supreme Court declared
the gay rights movement “an
extremist organization.” Although
our Supreme Court has recently
implied gay rights could be on
the chopping block, it was
Russia's Supreme Court. We
apologize for the error. |
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