| PEOPLE |
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 Report: Melania
Renegotiated Prenup With Donald
New agreement rules out conjugal
visits in jail. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Nude Dating Show to Debut
on HBO
Winners receive complete wardrobes
from Armani. |
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| MEDIA |
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Survey: On Video Calls, People
With Background of Shelves Filled
With Books Deemed Most Trustworthy
Least trustworthy: shelves filled
with shrunken heads. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Trump Calls for Shooting Shoplifters
And tasing anyone who returns things. |
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Driverless Cars Finding
Public Resistance
Very few requests for test-drives. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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 Costco Sells
Out of Gold Bars Right After
Putting Them on Sale
Many buyers say they'll use them to
“curry favor” with
local politicians. |
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| SCIENCE |
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New ChatGPT Can See, Hear, Talk
Crazy about blondes, likes to party. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
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Strong El Niño Expected
This Winter
According to an umbrella company,
which came up with “El Niño” some
years ago. |
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Trump Blames Whale
Deaths on Windmills
“They get sliced up like baloney,”
he explains. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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First Drug to Regrow Teeth
Will Undergo Human Trials
The Chicago Blackhawks agree to
begin testing next week. |
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