| NEW PRODUCTS |
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| |
New “Smart Toilet”
Takes Photos
of Your Poop, Sends Them to
Doctor for Analysis
Or you can send them to your ex. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
|
Average Person Thinks
They Can Survive for 16
Days in Wilderness
As long as there's an ATM nearby. |
| |
| RELIGION |
|
 Controversy
Surrounds New Bible, Which
Incorporates Constitution,
Pledge of Allegiance
And good ol' boy Jesus. |
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| FEATURE |
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| According to a recent poll,
23% of Republicans believe
the government is run by: |
| A ) | lifetime public servants |
| B ) | responsible bureaucrats |
| C ) | patriotic Americans |
| D ) | Satan-worshipping pedophiles |
| Hint: your taxes pay these
perverted heathens' salaries. |
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| SPORTS |
|
Physician Warns Tokyo Olympics
Could Spread Virus
Especially relay races. |
| |
| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 Report: Trump
Offered Bribe to Senator to
Drop "Spygate" Probe of New
England Patriots
And all he got was this lousy t-shirt. |
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