Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 4 - 10, 2020
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NEW PRODUCTS
Just In Time: A Hands-Free Oreo Dispenser!
Too busy filling out forms for unemployment, sewing masks at home or intubating seniors in the ICU to get yourself a cookie? Not to worry! This new voice-activated solar-powered Oreo dispenser holds up to a dozen Oreos and its new hands-free design makes it practically germ-free too, probably. Only $99 at all $99 Only Stores.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Men Worse Than Women at Estimating Their Height and Weight
Not to mention interest, availability.
 
SPORTS
Huge Baseball Fan Dr. Fauci Hopes to See "Baseball in Some Form" Return This Year
Suggests putting players who test negative in one league, players who test positive in another, and “kill the umps.”
According to a new survey, what percentage of Americans will avoid public spaces long after the pandemic ends?
  A ) 5%
  B ) 10%
  C ) 15%
  D ) 40 %
Hint: Almost half the nation's maitre d's and Santa Clauses plan to trim their beards, sober up and drive for Uber.
 
ENVIRONMENT
New Research Predicts 8%
Drop in Global Emissions of
Greenhouse Gases This Year

Trump: “I've done more for the environment than any other president in history.”
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Grim Reaper Appears on Florida Beach
“I'm taking every possible precaution,” he explains.

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