Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MAY 6 - 12, 2019
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PEOPLE
Japan: Emperor Akihito Abdicates Throne
Says he “never really” wanted to be emperor, “but my mom and dad talked me into it.”
 
ENTERTAINMENT
“Woodstock 50” Cancelled
After organizers calculated cost of accommodating 250,000 stoned, incontinent seniors with hearing aids, walkers.
 
MEDIA
Facebook Bans All Extremist
Hate-Filled Figures

Leaving only your Aunt Sylvia who never forgets to send a card on your birthday.
 
BUSINESS
Trump Borrowed $48 Million From Private Banking Division Of Deutsche Bank to Pay off $48 Million Loan He Owed Deutsche Bank
Tells reporters, "I love Deutsche Bank."
Carl's Jr. CBD Burgers Go
Over Big in Denver

And they can't stop eating their THC fries — literally.
SCIENCE
Oxford University Professor
Claims Aliens Already
Breeding With Humans

And he's got a nasty rash to prove it.
Scientists Say They Reversed Time Using Quantum Computer
Unfortunately, went back in time to before it was invented, had to invent it all over again.
 
SpaceX Plans Private Mission to Moon
Venture funded by Grubhub.
 
ENVIRONMENT
Study: Melting Arctic Permafrost Could Cause $70 Trillion in Damage by 2300
And nobody alive to pay for it.
 
LIFESTYLE
Study: Most Online Daters
Pursue Mates More Desirable
Than Themselves

While fending off those less desirable than themselves.

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