| PEOPLE |
 |
 Japan: Emperor
Akihito Abdicates Throne
Says he “never really” wanted to be emperor,
“but my mom and dad talked me into it.” |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
“Woodstock 50” Cancelled
After organizers calculated cost of accommodating
250,000 stoned, incontinent seniors with hearing
aids, walkers. |
| |
| MEDIA |
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Facebook Bans All Extremist
Hate-Filled Figures
Leaving only your Aunt Sylvia who never forgets
to send a card on your birthday. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Trump Borrowed $48 Million
From Private Banking Division
Of Deutsche Bank to Pay off $48 Million Loan
He Owed Deutsche Bank
Tells reporters, "I love Deutsche Bank." |
|
Carl's Jr. CBD Burgers Go
Over Big in Denver
And they can't stop eating their THC fries — literally. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Oxford University Professor
Claims Aliens Already
Breeding With Humans
And he's got a nasty rash to prove it. |
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Scientists Say They Reversed
Time Using Quantum Computer
Unfortunately, went back in time to before
it was invented, had to invent it all over
again. |
| |
 SpaceX Plans
Private Mission to Moon
Venture funded by Grubhub. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
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Study: Melting Arctic Permafrost Could
Cause $70 Trillion in Damage by 2300
And nobody alive to pay for it. |
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| LIFESTYLE |
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Study: Most Online Daters
Pursue Mates More Desirable
Than Themselves
While fending off those less desirable than themselves. |
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