| NEW PRODUCTS |
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 |
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Breakthrough: Miracle “Second Skin”
Makes Wrinkles Disappear
Eighty is the new twenty. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 Burning Man
to Offer Airplane Access
Applications now being accepted. |
|
| |
| FACTOID |
|
To Earn Bill Gates's Fortune Average
Person Would Have to Work for
1 Million Years.
Meanwhile, Gates would have to work for a quarter
of a second to make your fortune. |
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| SPORTS |
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| Highly Anticipated “Madden 17” |
 Released
This year's edition features ratings for every
player's risk of brain damage. |
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| FEATURE |
 |
| Congressional Republicans Decry
Multiple National Crises of Substance Abuse, Crumbling
Roads, Bridges, Spread of the Zika Virus, and Mental
Health; however they |
| A ) | are still debating which crisis is
the highest priority. |
| B ) | are still holding hearings to
seek experts’ advice on solutions. |
| C ) | are still refusing to spend
any money to fix any of the crises. |
| Hint: it might require raising taxes. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
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 |
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100 Nude Women to Be
Photographed Outside GOP
Convention
By 5000 photographers. |
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