| PEOPLE |
 |
 Judge Hears Recordings of
92-Year-Old Sumner Redstone
Arranging a Threesome, Dismisses
Suit Challenging His Competency
“A threesome!” he sighs. |
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| BUSINESS |
|
25 Best-Paid Hedge Fund Managers
Made a Collective $13 Billion Last Year
Last year, twenty-five best-paid hedge-trimmers
made a collective $130,000. |
|
 Budweiser
Renames Itself “America” Until
Elections
Hopes patriotic rebranding on cans attracts
new drinkers unaware of watery swill they
contain. |
|
|
 Mitsubishi
Execs Apologize for Tampering, Lying
About Fuel Economy Data Since 1991
Then introduce “exciting line”
of Mitsubishis for 2017. |
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| SCIENCE |
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NASA's Space Telescope Finds
1,284 New Planets; 9 Might
Support Life as We Know It
Not necessarily a reason to go there. |
|
New Evidence: Humans,
Mastodons Coexisted in Florida
Huge beach barbeques lasting ten days and
longer not uncommon. |
|
 White House Launches National
Microbiome Initiative to Advance
Scientific Understanding of
Microbial Diversity
And introduces celebrity spokesperson, Ant Man. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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FDA to Re-Evaluate Official
Definition of “Healthy”
“Rosy-cheeked” may no longer suffice. |
|
 Whole
Foods Rolls out “365” Stores,
With Lower Prices, Fewer Options
Everything will have gluten. |
|
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Study: Burgers Contain Rat
And Human DNA
Finding totally grosses out rats. |
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