| PEOPLE |
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 Trump Pays Actors
$50 to Cheer at His Campaign Kickoff
Pays poll participants $10 to say they support him. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Disney World Bans Selfie Sticks
Park visitors must now engage other
humans and ask them to kindly take their picture. |
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| BUSINESS |
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General Mills Removing All Artificial
Ingredients From Its Cereals by 2017
Cereals made entirely from artificial
ingredients (Trix, Lucky Charms) will be discontinued. |
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Techies Drinking Protein
Smoothies Instead of Eating
To Save Time at Work
And to forestall their inevitable replacement
by an algorithm. |
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 Walmart Stops
Selling Confederate Flag Merchandise
And removes it from their official stationery. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Methane Discovered on Mars
Suggests Life Below Surface
Perhaps technologically advanced, super-intelligent cows. |
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Bad News: Rate of Loss of Species
Now Constitutes 6th Mass Extinction
Good news: several blockbuster Sixth
Mass Extinction movies coming soon to
theater near you. |
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 Powerful Radar
Reveals Mounds, Chapels, Shrines, Other Structures
Beneath Stonehenge
Supports theory that thousands of years ago it was
an even bigger tourist attraction. |
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 NASA Says Pyramid on Mars
“Just a Rock”
“And sometimes a cigar is just
a cigar,” counter skeptics. |
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 DNA Tests
of 40,000-Year-Old Human
Jawbone Indicates We Have Some
Neanderthal Ancestors
On your in-laws' side. |
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