| PEOPLE |
 |
 Jeb Bush Said to Be Seriously
Considering Running for President
“Dad Liked Me Best” bumper stickers
already appearing. |
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| LAW |
 |
Court Dismisses Ex-Panamanian
Dictator Manuel Noriega's Lawsuit
Against Video Game “Call of Duty”
Took months for judges to stop
laughing before they could write decision. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Number of Billionaires Doubles Since
Start of Financial Crisis
As many of them have kids. |
|
Starbucks Plans Delivery Service
Coffee will be brought to you by an
actual barista, accompanied by an
actual bunch of out-of-work hipsters
staring at laptops. |
|
 Car Safety
Testers Switching to Obese Crash-Test Dummies
Being marketed as “American Size” crash-test dummies. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Top Scientists Blame Humans for Climate Change
But don't name names. |
| |
 Hieroglyphics on
3,000-Year-Old Disc Finally Deciphered
It reads, “(continued from other disc) The End.” |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Country Panics Over Remote
Possibility of Ebola Outbreak
Millions fear every health expert
completely wrong. |
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Study: Chocolate Improves Memory
It helps you remember where you
hid the chocolate. |
| |
| ENVIRONMENT |
|
Secret Tape Reveals Big Oil Spending
Millions to Dig Up Embarrassing Info on
Celebrity Environmentalists
Like Ed Begley, Jr. getting a lap dance. |
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