| NEW PRODUCTS |
 |
 Finally,
a Truly Hands-Free Cellphone!
But why did it take so long? Give
the creators of this marvel
credit, they saw the future, and
it was right in front of them.
Best of all, the first
nose-operated cellphone can be
used, with impunity, while
driving! $199, at all Hands Off
outlets, with discounts for hay
fever sufferers. |
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| |
| EDUCATION |
 |
Yale Frat of Both Bush
Presidents Banned for 5 Years for
Ordering Pledges to Chant Obscenities
Against Women
And waterboarding during Rush Week. |
| |
| MILESTONES |
|
Man Eats
25,000th Big Mac
According to his
obituary. |
|
 |
|
|
 |
| When Newt Gingrich said
on Tuesday, “any ad
which quotes what I said
on Sunday is a
falsehood,” what he
really meant was: |
| A ) | I never
didn’t say that. |
| B ) | I always
never said that. |
| C ) | I didn’t
always not say that. |
| D ) | what I may
have said then, I unsay
now. |
| Hint: it’s never always
not been very hard to be
a hypocrite. |
|
|
|
| |
| RELIGION |
|
In Official Report on Priest
Sexual Abuse, Church Blames Woodstock
Specifically the brown acid. |
| |
| BOOKS |
|
 Hot Selling
Children's Book Titled Go the F**k to Sleep
Sequel to Change Your Own F**king Diaper. |
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