| CONSUMER NEWS |
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FDA Issues
Warning About Eggs
One in particular (right). |
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Toyota Unveils
“Green” Sports Car
For the socially conscious middle-aged
man who can’t get it up. |
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| TECHNOLOGY |
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Expert: World War III Could
Be Fought on Internet
By nerds. |
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| SPORTS |
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Book: Ted Williams's Frozen
Head Batted Around by Lab Workers
Stan Musial cancels his agreement with
lab. |
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Michael Vick to Star in TV
Series
Filming already begun on “Lassie
Come Home.” |
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| LIFESTYLE |
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UN: Norway
Best Place to Live
Except in winter. |
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| ENVIRONMENT |
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Scientists Say Global Warming
Causing Sheep to Become Smaller
Global warming deniers insist their sheep
have gotten bigger. |
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| RELIGION |
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New “Conservative”
Version of Christian Bible Cuts Out
Liberal Passages
Deletes all mention of Jesus. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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U.S. Blocks NY Philharmonic
Trip to Cuba
Fears percussion section may defect en
masse. |
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Beauty Pageant in Hungary
For Cosmetic Surgery Patients
Draws Crowds
Once again, Miss Face Lift is runner-up
to Miss Boob Job. |
|
 Chicago:
Sears Building Opens See-Through
Glass “Ledge” on 103rd
Floor
For visitors tripping on acid. |
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