| NEW PRODUCTS |
 |
 100
MPG Hummer Hybrid Unveiled
Aimed at obnoxious jerks who care
about the environment. |
|
| |
| MISCELLANEOUS |
|
Survey: Those Who Attend
Church More Likely to Support Torture
Except crucifixion. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Swine Flu Affecting Major
Sports Leagues
New regulations issued. |
| |
| |
 |
No
conferences on pitcher's mound. |
| |
 |
Players
must clean rim with antiseptic
wipe after dunking. |
| |
 |
Teeth must
be sterilized before reinsertion
in mouth. |
| |
 |
No-huddle
offense only until further
notice. |
|
|
 Yankees
Slash Prices on Most Expensive
Seats
Found that fans were unwilling to
pay $2500 to spend three hours
watching a mediocre bunch of
overpaid over-the-hill bumblers
get beaten to a pulp by teams
with a tiny fraction of their
payroll. |
|
|
| PERSON
IN THE STREET |
| This Week's Question: Who
is to blame for the swine
flu? |
 Rep. Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN):
"President Obama." |
 Michelle Malkin, (political
blogger): "Illegal immigrants." |
 Michael Savage,
(radio talk show host): "Al Qaeda." |
 Glenn Beck,
(Fox News Channel host): "All of the
above, plus communists." |
 Dr. Richard E. Besser, (Acting
Director, Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention): "No one is to blame.
So-called swine flu is a strain of influenza A
virus subtype H1N1 and is unusual because it
usually infects pigs. These other people are
idiots." |
|
|
