| ENVIRONMENT |
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| |
Republicans in Congress Anxious to
Start Drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
Not for the oil, just to “get rid of all that
damn beauty,” says one. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Super Bowl Halftime
Show Shocks Again
Women performing oral sex on donkeys
"was not planned, I can assure
you," says red-faced network
spokesman. |
|
NFL Owners Approve
Expansion Team
Won't play any games, just threaten to
move unless new stadium is built. |
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Spring Training: Pitchers,
Catchers Report Feb. 15
Infielders, outfielders, agents report
Feb. 20. |
| |
| ODDS 'N ENDS |
|
 Schwarzenegger
Introduces New
Commemorative California
Quarter
Coin features naturalist John
Muir on one side (shown), used
car salesman Cal Worthington on
the other. |
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| FEATURE |
 |
| The easiest way
to raise revenue needed
to keep Social Security
Trust Fund solvent is: |
| A ) | Collect payroll taxes
from everyone, even the
rich. |
| B ) | Go to
roulette table in Vegas,
place Social Security
Trust Fund on red. |
| C ) | Send
check to person whose
name is at top of list,
add "Social Security
Trust Fund" to
bottom of list, send to
twenty friends. |
| D ) | Respond to appeal from
Nigerian who wants to
give Social Security
Trust Fund money in
exchange for help
collecting millions owed
by Nigerian government. |
| E ) | Bet
on the stock market. |
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| |
| NEW PRODUCTS |
|
 A
Cellphone That Thinks For You!
Besides replacing your old cellphone, camera,
organizer, and mp3 player, the
Thinkman®also replaces the left side of your
brain. Plug in the special
attachment (included) and it
assumes the functions of your
cerebral cortex, organizing
memories and recording thoughts
while you busy yourself with
other, less demanding tasks.
Great for dating! Additional
memory optional. $299, at Android
Shack. |
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