| PEOPLE |
 |
 Hugh Hefner
Holds News Conference,
Asks for Public's Help
Three of his seven
girlfriends are missing. |
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| |
| POLLS |
|
Most Americans Optimistic
About Next Four Years
Expect to be transported naked up to
heaven before 2009. |
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| BUSINESS |
|
New Computerized Mirror Shows
You How You'll Look in 5 Years
And it's shatterproof. |
|
Survey: 4% Bought Something
Advertised in Junk E-Mail Last Year
All report satisfaction with their new
Rolexes and enlarged penises. |
|
Robotic Dog
Goes on Sale
Aimed at people who love
dogs, but can't stand
companionship, warmth,
loyalty, love. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
Study: Unlike Humans, Rats
Know When to Stop Eating
But we're identical in other respects. |
|
Conference Told Global
Warming Certain to Cause Drought,
Disease, Starvation
Conferees panic, run off in all
directions. |
| |
Michael Crichton's Latest Novel
Casts Doubt on Global Warming
He'll be signing copies of State
of Fear at Barnes & Noble's
new store in Antarctica next Thursday. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Scientists Developing
Tortilla Chips That Lower Cholesterol
And French fries that build rippling abs. |
| |
| CORRECTION |
|
We recently reported, incorrectly, that GOP
lawmakers were pushing a bill to drastically
limit the amount of money doctors and
executives can earn by severely damaging
innocent people. In fact the bill drastically
limits the amount of money lawyers can
earn by proving doctors and executives have
severely damaged innocent people. There is
no limit in the bill to what doctors and
executives can earn. We regret any
confusion caused by our error. |
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