Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - JULY 9 - 15, 2001
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Woody Allen Agrees
To Do Sitcom

Cash-strapped director will star in “Woody” as recently-divorced father of fourteen who marries his daughter and sues his best friend.
TV in the Summer Doldrums
Nielsen reports more people watching radio.
Jack Lemmon, Last Good Actor, Dies
“It's the end of an era,” says William Shatner.
Starbucks Sued for Overtime Violations
We're not to blame, says company. “After six lattes they just won't stop working.”
Ford Explorer Sets Sales
Record in June

Many customers bought more than one because of rollovers.
NY Bans Cell Phones While Driving
California bans them during sex.
Bush Gets Pacemaker Implanted in Brain
Device will monitor mental activity, send electrical pulses when none detected.
Mind Continues After Brain
Dies, New Study Suggests

We hear Muzak for several minutes.
My Turn
by O.J. Simpson

Last week an outrageous article appeared in The New Yorker that portrayed me as an angry, obsessive womanizer with nothing on my mind but golf and poontang. Well, if the writer had listened more carefully, he would have known that my kids come first, then poontang, then maybe food, and then golf.

Also, I was misquoted in the article. It said that I said that if I saw Nicole today I'd probably “hit on her.” That's not what I said at all. I said that if I ever saw Nicole's killer today, “I'd hit him-or her.”

Thanks for letting me set the record straight.
  In “Answers to Civics Quiz” we erroneously stated that the primary function of the federal government was c) “to protect and defend the tobacco industry.” The correct answer was d) “to protect and defend the rights and freedoms of the people.” We apologize for the confusion.

 Copyright 2001 Ironic Times