Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JULY 18 - 24, 2005
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POLITICS
GOP Insulted By Hillary Clinton's Comparison of George W. Bush to Alfred E. Neuman
So is Mad magazine.
 
SPORTS
NHL, Players Reach Deal
To End Lockout

But threatened strike by Zamboni operators could scuttle season.
Baseball, With Minor Changes,
Will Return to Olympics

The Baseball Pentathlon (hit, run, throw, catch, shoot) will be part of 2016 games.
 
AMAZING TALES OF THE PARANORMAL

A well known celebrity who is also governor of a large, sunny state on the west coast, made a deal with the publisher of two bodybuilding magazines "to further the business objectives" of the publisher, in exchange for 1% of their advertising revenues, mostly from vitamin supplements, a deal estimated to be worth $8 million to the governor. Soon after signing the deal, the same governor had a bill cross his desk regulating, and in some cases banning the use of those same vitamin supplements. Amazingly, the governor vetoed the bill!
FEATURE
A report last week detailed both the promise and the problems of the Military's Energy-Beam Weapons Program. What's holding things up?
A ) Electro-magnetic laser cannon tends to jam in “stun” position when user tries to move it up to “kill.”
B ) Force field not strong enough to prevent interference from cellphones.
C ) Testing on detainees still not complete.
 
RELIGION
Bush Asks Jerry Falwell for Advice
On Supreme Court Nominee

Falwell tells Bush he'll ask God, then get back to him.
 
TRAVEL
China: Restaurant Makes
Japanese Customers Apologize
For WWII Before Seating Them

Then doubles the MSG.
 
ODDS AND ENDS
Mexico City: Battle Rages Over Fate of Ice Pick Used to Kill Trotsky
KGB wants it back.

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