Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JULY 18 - 24, 2005
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ADVERTISING
SpongeBob SquarePants in Marketing Deal With Fruit, Vegetable Producers
One of few remaining public figures untouched by scandal.
 
SCIENCE
Poll: 1/3 Believe God Created
Earth 10,000 Years Ago; 1/3
Believe in Evolution

One-third believe universe exists inside giant Magic 8-Ball.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Slow Walking for Obese
Burns More Calories Than
More Vigorous Pace

But could lead to gridlock.
NIH Study: 44 Government
Scientists Who Also Worked as
Consultants for Drug Companies
Violated Ethics Rules

Study recommends variety of prescription drugs to cope with anxiety caused by report.
 
ENVIRONMENT
Bad News: Arctic Pollution
Linked to Bird Droppings

Good news: birds on west coast dying off in record numbers due to global warming.

The highly classified codename of our top military commander in Iraq is “Silverfish,” according to my sources at the Pentagon. A White House aide tells me we have thirty-four covert agents in Moscow working for Edgewood Communications, a dummy company set up by the CIA. I've also learned from an agency insider that the secret “drop” point for any tips in the war on terror is a mailbox at the corner of 3rd and Grant in Langley, Virginia.

Due to shifting resources at the NSA, says a little birdie, the port of Long Beach, California will go without advanced satellite surveillance for the entire month of August.

And finally, the Air Force tells me that the launch code for our nuclear missiles is 12Q-144-00689-774.

That's all for now.

(Robert Novak, a syndicated columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times, is above the law.)

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