Ironic Times

NO. 34 "Expect the Ironic" MAY 7 - 13, 2001

April 30
May 14
  NEXT SHUTTLE CREW
ANNOUNCED BY NASA

One male, seven female astronauts will carry out privately-funded mission.
WORLD NEWS
Cheney: “Don't Confuse
Stupidity With Weakness”

Warns potential foes not to take the President “too lightly.”
Russians Claim to Have
Simulated Human Brain

New computer will be used for testing vodka.
 
ODDS AND ENDS
Presidential
Son-In-Law?

Harrison A. Peddiford III, 20, a History major at Yale, has made it known around campus that he would someday like to marry President Bush's daughter, Barbara, a fellow student.  No comment yet from the “bride-to-be.”
U. S. NEWS
Missile Shield Will Protect U.S.
Against Rogue Nations

Also scamp, scoundrel, rapscallion nations.
Supreme Court Takes Up Medical Marijuana Debate
Scalia gets sidetracked on issue of how huge Rehnquist's hands are.
California Gets Tough on Energy
Will retaliate for high prices by cutting off supply of celebrities to rest of nation.
U.S. Kids Ace TV
Comprehension Test

4th graders viewing at 10th grade level, European, Asian children far behind.
 
LAW
Supreme Court Allows Police to Stop and Clobber Citizens at Random
Provided officer has “reasonable certainty” that it will be fun.
 
HEALTH/MEDICINE
Evidence Mounts That Steady
Drinking Benefits Heart Patients

Findings are now totally, utterly unfuckingdeniable.
First Babies With Genes From
Three Parents Born

DNA from daddy, mommy, mommy's yoga instructor.
 
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 Copyright 2001 Ironic Times