| PEOPLE |
 |
 Report: Eric Trump Pleads the
Fifth 500 Times in His Deposition
Breaks record of 150, held by Vito Genovese. |
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| |
| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
Study: More Attractive People
Have Stronger Immune Systems
Finding prompts dropping of mask requirement
at this year's Oscars (but not at the technical
awards ceremony). |
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| BUSINESS |
|
Trump's Longtime Accountant Quits
Desperate, he sends Eric to barber
shops to find a replacement. |
|
Study: Callers to Customer
Service Only Care About
“Perceived Humanness”
Say recordings, chatbots just
fine “if they really like me.” |
|
 Report: Mark
Zuckerberg Wants All Meta
Employees Called “Metamates”
Wants them all to study metaphysics,
drink Metamucil. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
Trust in Scientists Drops Since
Pandemic Began, Especially
Among Republicans
Only doctors Republicans trust: Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil. |
|
 World's Most
Precise Atomic Clock, Accurate
to Within One Second Every
300 Million Years, Confirms
Einstein's Theory of Relativity
Although Einstein was chronically late. |
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|
 Volunteers Spend
Weeks in Simulated Martian Environment in Utah
Utah chosen because, like Mars, it's dry,
barren, there's nothing to do there. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Canada: Psychiatrists Can
Now Give Patients a Free
Pass to National Parks
Show proof you're crazy and admission
is free. |
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