| PEOPLE |
 |
 Book: Trump
Paid Classmate Joey Shapiro to
Take SAT Test for Him
Yearbook named Joey Shapiro Class Stable
Genius. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Report: “Bachelor” Senior Citizen
Spinoff Still in the Works, Says ABC
Unfortunately, nursing home auditions have
taken longer than expected. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Grover Norquist's Anti-Government
Group Took Money From Paycheck
Protection Program
“Only for research,” explains spokesperson. |
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Segway to Cease Production
Having revolutionized the way we live,
its job is done. |
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 Elon Musk
Unveils Tesla Short Shorts
Fits right in with his product line of
electric cars, spaceships, tunnel
boring machines, and flamethrowers. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Ancient Footprints Suggest
Crocodiles Once Walked on
Two Legs
And wore polo shirts with little humans
embroidered on them. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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White House: U.S. “Leader”
In Fight Against Coronavirus
Everyone looks to us for what not to do. |
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Report: Trump Hasn't Talked
To Dr. Fauci in Two Months
Calls world's leading epidemiologist a
“low IQ individual.” |
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| CORRECTION |
| |
 Last week we mistakenly identified
this photo as a Civil War reenactment.
In fact, it is an anti-Black Lives
Matter protest. We apologize for any
confusion. |
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