| TECHNOLOGY |
 |
 Intel Unveils
Breakthrough in Quantum Computing
Soon you'll be able to download thousands of
lousy movies in a fraction of a second. |
|
|
 Las Vegas: Pole
Dancing Robots Debut at Consumer Electronics Show
They're shut down after complaints of
shocks from lap dances. |
|
| |
| WEATHER |
|
 Sudden Arctic Blast
Catches Much of Nation Off Guard
Shown: nude beach in Florida. |
|
| |
| MISCELLANEOUS |
|
 Trump Says
U.S. Sold Norway “F-52s,” Planes That Only
Exist in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
Norway cancels its check. |
|
|
| IRONIC TIMES EXCLUSIVE |
| OPRAH'S CABINET |
| Though officially undecided
about running for President in 2020, Oprah has
reportedly begun contacting some well-known
public figures to fill key roles in her
administration. |
| Vice President: |
Gayle King |
| Attorney General: |
Judge Judy |
| Sec of State: |
Martha Stewart |
| Sec of the Interior: |
Eckhart Tolle |
| Sec of the Treasury: |
Suze Ormon |
| Sec of Defense: |
Stedman Graham |
| Sec of Energy: |
Denise Austin |
| Sec of Housing & Urban Development: |
Magic Johnson |
Sec of Heath &
Human Services: |
Dr. Phil |
| Surgeon General: | Dr. Oz |
|
|
|
| |
| LEXICOGRAPHY |
|
Eleven Months Early, Webster's
Names Shithole as 2018's
Word of the Year
“Why wait,” says spokesman. |
|
