| TECHNOLOGY |
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 Silicone Sexbots Getting
More Realistic, Can Be Programmed to Talk Dirty to You
Simulate orgasms, tell you what a great lover you are. |
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| EDUCATION |
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Obama's Campus Guidance
Rescinded by De Vos as Too
Harsh on Those Accused of
Sexual Assault
Many of whom are “very fine people.” |
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| SPORTS |
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MLB: Record for Home Runs
Surpassed With Weeks to Go
Caused by combination of juiced baseballs,
corked bats, musclebound hitters, cyber-armed
pitchers, and a new, as-yet undetectable
performance-enhancing drug. |
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Trump: NFL Not Rough Enough,
Too Protective of Players
“More concussions, fewer protests,” he tweets. |
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Outgoing Message
of the Week
“Hello, you have reached the Federal Emergency
Management Agency. No FEMA officials are currently
available to take your call. If you are calling about your
lack of access to food and water in Puerto Rico after the
hurricane, know that our thoughts and prayers are with
you. We are deeply moved by your plight. At some
point in the future, we may hire a few agents who could
take your call. Meanwhile, hope and pray, best of luck,
and have a wonderful day.” |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Many Glued to TV for Ken Burns'
Vietnam Documentary
Trump's bone spurs prevent him from watching. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
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New York State: Susan B.
Anthony Maze Honors Famed Suffragette
Forces men to do something they loathe: ask for directions. |
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