| TECHNOLOGY |
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 Apple Debuts
New $1000 iPhone With Face Recognition
Can easily distinguish one sucker from another. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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Senate Committee Wrestles with Possible
Regulations for Self-Driving Big Rigs
May insist on dummy drivers, so when you
check mirror and see nobody driving,
you won’t have a heart attack. |
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| POLL |
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Nearly 4 In 10 Americans Can’t
Name Any First Amendment Rights
In fact, they were speechless. |
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| LAW |
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 Monkey Selfie
Suit Settled
Monkey's attorney J. Fred Muggs (not shown)
says client “will never have to work again.” |
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| FEATURE |
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| Experienced diplomat to fill vacancy for Assistant
Secretary of State to Eastern Asia. Responsibilities
include dealing with nuclear proliferation in North Korea,
possible genocide in Myanmar, Chinese expansionism
in South China Sea. Also spider webs growing in Office
of the Assistant Secretary for Eastern Asia, since it has
been vacant since the beginning of the Trump Administration. |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
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“Million Juggalo March” Draws
Millions of Creepy Juggalos to Nation's Capital
Police, however, consider them harmless, since
they're mostly white. |
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