| POLITICS |
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 Joe Piscopo
Considers Running for Governor of New Jersey
As an unfunny Republican. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Mall of America to Name
A Writer-in-Residence
For one year a Thomas Pynchon, say, will work
on his next novel in the back of the Hallmark
store. |
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Grocery Trade Groups Ask
Manufacturers to Choose
Between “Use by” and “Best
if used by” Labels
And “Best if never used.” |
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| MEDIA |
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Washington Post Unveils New
Motto: “Democracy Dies in Darkness”
Beats out “Home of Highly Placed Sources Who
Speak Anonymously” and “Free Shipping With
Prime Membership.” |
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| SCIENCE |
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NASA: Seven Habitable Earth-
Like Planets Discovered
Orbiting Nearby Star
Each one at a different stage of self-destruction. |
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 Bees Learn
to Push Ball to Obtain Sugary Treat
With fewer bees, we're going to need smarter bees. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Study: Cigarette Packs With
No Brand Names, Nothing But
Warnings Reduces Smoking
No one says, "I'd walk a mile for lung cancer." |
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Psychiatric Group Diagnoses Trump
as “Malignant Narcissist”
With weird hair. |
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