| PEOPLE |
 |
 Pope Recognizes
Second Miracle Attributed to Mother Teresa
According to witnesses, she prayed for
Buster Douglas to knock out Mike Tyson. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Congress Passes $800 Million Tax
Package, With Special Breaks for
Racehorse Owners
But not one penny for jockeys. |
|
 Man Sues Miller Brewing Co. Over
Foster's Beer Being Brewed in
Texas, Not Australia
Offers to settle out of court for 100
cases. |
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| PUBLISHING |
|
 Billionaire Kingmaker
Sheldon Adelson Revealed as Buyer of
Las Vegas Review-Journal
“I asked my secretary to run out and buy me
a paper and I guess she misunderstood,” he explains. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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Warning Issued That “Some”
Hoverboards Could Suddenly
Explode
Possibly the one you just bought, or perhaps not. |
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| SCIENCE |
|
New Fundamental Particle
Discovered by Large Hadron Collider
Although “it might just be some shmuts.” |
| |
 Forensic Science
Reveals What Jesus Would
Have Actually Looked Like
Before he was photoshopped. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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FDA Approves Eggless “Just Mayo”
And a 100% broccoli product called,
“Just Chicken.” |
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Shocker: Medical Journal Finds
Americans Missing More
Teeth (7.31) Than Brits (6.97)
But Brits missing more front teeth (3.58). |
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| TRENDS |
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Middle Class No Longer
Majority in U.S.
Only on sitcoms. |
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