PEOPLE |
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Romney
Says He Won't Run for President in 2016
But he would consider running for Vice President. |
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Indiana Gov. Pence Decides Against
Establishing State-Run News Outlet
Internment camps, martial law still on the table. |
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BUSINESS |
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Rolls-Royce Has Record
Sales in 2014
Also Grey Poupon. |
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Apple Reports Record Profits;
Enough to Give Every American $556
Which would cover the $556 they
had to shell out for an iPhone. |
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Apologetic Makers of
Gandhi-Bot Beer to Rebrand After Indian Complaints
Will go with their second choice: Buddhaweiser. |
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SCIENCE |
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Astronomers Find Solar System
More Than Twice as Old as Ours
Relationships between older and
younger galaxies problematic. |
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New Theory: Volcanoes, Not
Asteroid, Wiped Out Dinosaurs
Either way, thank goodness they're gone. |
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HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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CDC: Disneyland Measles
Outbreak Came From Overseas
Spokesperson for Disney: “It's a
small world afer all.” |
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Researchers Claim Breakthrough
in Treating Peanut Allergies
Lead researcher, removing his
monocle says, “I'm encouraged.” |
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Study: Lonely, Depressed People
More Likely to Binge-Watch TV
Not “binge-watching tv results in loneliness
and depression” as previously thought. |
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RELIGION |
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Mormon Church Shifts
On Gay Rights
Adopts “Don't ask, don't tell.” |
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