NEW PRODUCTS |
 |
Finally, a Toothbrush That Costs
More Than Bridgework!
Buying a $4200 toothbrush might seem
extravagant, unless you use spun gold
for dental floss and rinse with Dom
Perignon. Pack of six, $25,000, at all
$25,000 Only stores. |
|
 |
World's First
Hoverboard Unveiled
Could revolutionize ancillary sales for
“Back to the Future” franchise. |
|
 |
It's a
$175,000 Punching Bag From Louis Vuitton!
Comes complete with gloves, mouthpiece,
smelling salts, but beware of knockoffs. |
|
|
SPORTS |
 |
Investigation: Thousands of
U. of North Carolina Athletes
Given Phony Grades
In lieu of simply paying them for their services. |
|
FEATURE |
 |
Between 2000
and 2012, the total number of cases of in-person
voter fraud in the United States was: |
|
A ) |
10 |
|
B ) |
100 |
|
C ) |
1,000 |
|
D ) |
10,000 |
Hint: you can use your fingers. |
|
|
|
|
ELECTION 2014 |
 |
Upcoming Midterm Elections
Called “Most Critical” of
Last 50 Years
Americans must choose between
“total gridock” and “near total gridlock.” |
|
ODDS 'N' ENDS |
 |
Music Box Figurine of Putin Annexing
Crimea to Be Sold at Auction
Wind it up and he signs papers
to the tune of “Cry Me a River.” |
|
|