| PEOPLE |
 |
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“Bea Arthur
Naked” Painting Sells for $1.9 Million
Clothed version sells for $4.3 million. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
After Uproar, German Opera Company
Cancels Nazi-Themed Staging of
Wagner’s “Tannhauser”
And fires Mel Brooks. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
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Markets Soar on Rising Wave of Optimism
By public hoping to win Powerball jackpot. |
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Chrysler Recalls 300,000 Jeeps Which
Could Roll Away Unexpectedly
Always park your Jeep in your garage and
close the garage door. |
|
 Disney Alters
Warrior Princess Merida, Makes Her Sexier
To sell more dolls to dirty old men. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Wrigley Halts Sales of “Alert
Energy Caffeinated Gum”
After angry complaints at all hours of the night. |
|
Study: Body Builders More
Politically Conservative
Less flexible. |
| |
 First Lab-Grown
Hamburger Made From Stem Cells Could Be Eaten
Soon
By unsuspecting lab assistant. |
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| TECHNOLOGY |
|
Windows 8 Update to be Free
Which makes it somewhat overpriced. |
| |
| SCIENCE |
|
Breakthrough: Cloning Technique Produces
Human Stem Cells
Promises future dominated by armies of cloned warriors
battling each other at the behest of their megalomaniacal
masters. |
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