| PEOPLE |
 |
Limbaugh Says He'd Rather
Vote for Democrat Than McCain
Dittoheads scratching their heads. |
|
 |
|
|
Canadian Man Claims He's
JFK's Illegitimate Son
If tests prove him correct, he'll endorse
Obama. |
| |
| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
Tolkien Estate Sues Hollywood
Studio Which Has Yet to Share
Any of $6 Billion Profit From
“Lord of the Rings”
Per contract, case will be heard in Mordor. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Consumer Sentiment Falls
Melancholy sets in. |
|
 Oprah
Store Opens in Chicago
Shoppers who never miss her show,
subscribe to her magazine, read
every book she recommends and
plan to watch her TV network
should like it. |
|
|
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Study: Breathing Dirty Air
May Lower Kids’ IQ
Scientists advise kids to stay indoors,
watch TV, play video games. |
|
Blue Cross Asks Doctors to
Help Them Cancel Coverage for Some
Patients
Just the sick ones. |
| |
 Scientist
Predicts Humanoid Sex
Partners
“Build a better sex
partner and the world
will beat a path to your
door.” |
|
|
| |
| SCIENCE |
|
Astronomers Find Solar System
Much Like Ours
Planets even have similar names. |
|
Report: Gun Always on Board
Space Station
In case of robbery. |
| |
| CORRECTION |
| |
| We
mistakenly referred recently to
“voting members of the
politburo.” The reference
should have been to “the
Superdelegates.” We
apologize for any confusion
caused by our mistake. |
|
|
