| NEW PRODUCTS |
 |
 Fashionable
Tasers Hit the Stores
Stunning to the eye as well as
the thief, these little shockers
pack a wallop within a 50-foot
radius. You'll feel safe, even if
those around you wear concerned
expressions. Excellent for
getting a waiter's attention.
$399, at upscale gun stores. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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Survey: Many Teens Still Talk to
Friends on Phone and in Person
But only when Internet connection's down. |
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British Professor: Men
Naturally Funnier Than Women
Reveals study's findings at opening of
Desi Arnaz Comedy Festival. |
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| POLLS |
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Americans at Odds on
Media Comeback of
the Year
Equally divided between
Osama, OJ, Britney. |
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| P
A I D
A D V E R T I S E M E N T |
Merry Christmas, Iowa!
From Hillary
On behalf of all our
great Democratic
candidates, John, Bill,
Chris, Joe, Dennis, and
Barack Hussein, Bill and
I wish you a happy and
holy Christmas, or
whatever other religious
holiday you may
celebrate.
All of us are, in varying
degrees devout, even
Barack, whose family is
relatively new to the
Good News, and we welcome
him to our faith. We all
hope and pray that you
have a prosperous and
safe New Year, even if
our country is put into
young, inexperienced
hands. In that event,
we’ll have to pray
especially hard!
All the best, Hil
(That’s what my
friends, who know me as
the warm person I really
am call me!) |
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| SPORTS |
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Baseball: No Big Changes
Due to Steroid Scandal
Players named in Mitchell Report will
wear small scarlet “S” on
uniform. |
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