| PEOPLE |
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 Alleged 9/11
Mastermind Confesses at
Secret Gitmo Hearing
According to transcript
he says, “I'm drowning! I did it! I'm
drowning! I did it! I'm drowning! I did it!” |
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 Jacques
Chirac Bows Out of
Presidential Race in France
Senses better opportunity in U.
S. Republican primaries. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Study: Americans Lose
$3 Billion in Productivity
During NCAA Tournament
At present pace, U.S. will be Third World
country by 2020. |
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Current Time Channel and Correct
Time Network to Merge
Move faces tough scrutiny from
regulators. |
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Halliburton Moves Headquarters
To Dubai
For the weather. |
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| TRAVEL |
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Japanese-Style
“Tube” Hotel
Coming to Las Vegas
Will cater to losers. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Court Rules Dying Who Use
Medical Marijuana Can Be Arrested
And have their morphine cut off. |
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CDC: Americans Still Not Eating
Their Vegetables
Recommendation: go to our rooms, no dessert. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Study: Rats Think Like Humans
They lie, cheat, eat too much cheese. |
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Report:
This Has Been Warmest
Winter Ever
Based on following
complicated formula:
 |
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Scientists Rule Out Traveling
Back Through Time
Most cite cost. |
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| KIDZ KORNER |
Vocabulary
Builders
gaming n.
a form of play for adults
which makes them feel
like children again, but
is age-appropriate, as
in, “~ is not
addictive, like gambling,
it's good, wholesome
fun for grownups.” |
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