HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thousands of complainers and naysayers rounded up,
stripped, prepped for rendition. |
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| WORLD NEWS |
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Iranian President Bans
All Western Music
Except “Springtime for Hitler.” |
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 Bosnia,
Herzegovina Agree to
Change Post-Civil War
Government
Will replace three presidents with
single strongman wielding
absolute authority modeled on,
well, Tito. |
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| THE WAR |
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Bush Administration Addresses
Alarming Rise in Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder in Returning Iraq Vets
Will redefine it so fewer will be
diagnosed. |
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| ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
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Cinnamon Bun
Bearing Image of Mother
Teresa Stolen
Feared eaten. |
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| U. S. NEWS |
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Revealed: Pentagon Has Secret
Database of War's Opponents
Closely monitoring over 200 million
Americans. |
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Report: Katrina Response
Signals Problems at
Dept. of Homeland Security
Solution: fold Homeland Security into
new, bigger Dept. of Total Incompetence. |
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REMINDER
Turn all clocks,
watches, cellphones
and timing devices back one second. |
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Study: 11 Million Adults
Can't Read English
And they all have blogs. |
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White House Press Room
To Get Makeover
Under modernization plans, reporters will
be able to hear press secretary, but he
won't be able to hear them. |
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| RELIGION |
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Vatican Considers Dropping
Concept of Limbo
Too many “oddballs” ending up
in there, complains one Cardinal. |
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