| SPORTS |
 |
 Steroid
Scandal Reaches
Synchronized Swimming
Team USA captain Trixie
Platt (right) says she
used popular cream
without realizing it
contained a banned
substance. |
|
|
Players Union, NHL Meet Again
Session lasts four hours, with 28 penalty
minutes. |
| |
| EDUCATION |
|
Report: Finns 1st, U.S. 24th
In Math Skills
“If they're so smart, why ain't they
rich?” asks spokesman for U.S. Dept.
of Education. |
| |
| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
|
Newest
Humanoid Robot Designed
To Relieve Man Of Most
Odious Task
When programmed properly,
"HUBO" will
pick up friend at
airport. |
|
|
 |
| (Last
week we brought together
a distinguished panel of
psychics and asked them
for their predictions for
the coming year.) |
| Kandu
(India): “An
automobile that runs on
the finest imported olive
oil will make its
debut.” |
| Madame
Blavinsky
(Switzerland): “Who
would want that? Olive
oil costs a million times
more than gas. Anyway,
President Bush will choke
on a pretzel.” |
| Cassandra
(Canada): “He
already did choke on a
pretzel. I predict a
worldwide weakening of
the dollar against other
currencies.” |
| The
Oracle (Delphi):
“Duh. Tell me
something I don't know,
like Mars will be found
to have once harbored
intelligent life.” |
| Deep Fritz
(computer): “Unlike
here on Earth, based on
your lame predictions.
Come on, humans, 2005 is
the year computers will
finally take over and
force all of mankind into
a lifetime of indentured
servitude.” |
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